20 Tips to Help Avoid the Zombie Plague


Zombies are a menace to humanity, and having witnessed the carnage of the zombie invasion of Millenium Park, it’s all too clear to me just how fragile our society is when subjected to these bloodthirsty beasts. Make no mistake, zombies are mindless, godless, and intent on carnal destruction. I’ve even heard from some fringe elements that they are also communist (this last part has yet to be verified). Having survived the “Massacre on Millenium,” here’s a few pointers that could save your life.

  • Drink Water - for whatever reason, this one seems to be forgotten on most zombie survival lists I’ve read. Clean, refreshing water is more essential than food, as dehydration will strike well before starvation.
  • Exercise- don’t wait until the zombies are chasing you down like a pack of ravenous wolves. Learn skateboarding - it’s exercise with the benefit of the board being a getaway vehicle and weapon!
  • Make a bucket list - when the zombie invasion strolled by my apartment building, my life was changed. Fortunately, there are a few regrets I won’t have thanks to making a list of stuff I want to do before being consumed by zombies.
  • Know your friends - you think you’re the only one with a zombie plan? Ha. Ha ha ha. No, you are not the only one with a zombie plan. Some people’s plan? Toss their friends in front of zombies as decoys. Don’t be someone’s decoy.
  • Know which of your friends you should probably use as decoys-let’s be honest here, zombies aren’t your only concern. Some people just don’t have the ability to survive these sort of things. Anyone who’s ever been in an invasion knows that once the zombies hit the floor, there’s going to be a dance.
  • Don’t rely on the police- considering how nonchalantly they behaved as the walking dead ravaged the neighbourhood, this is no surprise. After all, if you had to protect a city of 1 million people from zombies walking the streets, wouldn’t you call in sick?
  • Routine is essential - stress is a condition in which one has to adjust to change, expected or unexpected. Yes, it’s quite exciting that screeching hell spawn is at the door. As such, this would not be the ideal time to try the new Thai restaurant down the street.
  • Stay dignified- if you’ve read Lord of the Flies then you know that it is essential to maintain your dignity and class, even when subjected to great circumstances. Don’t subject yourself to unnecessary danger in order to stay alive, but if you have the chance you should continue to tuck your shirt in and floss your teeth. This isn’t Mad Max.
  • Avoid the entire city of New York - I’ve only been there once, but I’m sure that it’s a smörgåsbord of human flesh. Until FEMA can verify that the city has adequate protection against zombie invasion, I think I’ll take my tourist dollars elsewhere.
  • What’s your survival advantage? - some people thrive in cold weather, some people are natural runners. Figure out what conditions you thrive in, since these are the conditions where you may stay alive the longest.

Trekkie zombies, a spooky affair

  • Undead people care not for you - your sister could be a zombie. Your co-worker could be a zombie. No matter how close you used to be, things have changed. They want to chew on your jugular. You can’t be “just friends” at that point.
  • Money can’t buy you survival- especially once your government has collapsed because of the zombie menace. Pack light, and learn to live in the moment. It’s like backpacking, except with bloodthirsty zombies.
  • Know your physical limits- now is not the time to throw out your back swinging a crowbar. Chances are, even if you exercise you don’t know your actual physical limits. Being able to hurdle a low fence as opposed to stepping over it could mean you make a valuable escape. Usain Bolt is human, and therefore is as susceptible to the zombie plague as you or I. Keep that in mind.
  • Love in the Time of Zombies?- you have no idea just what might happen during the War of Undead Aggression. Don’t rush into relationships though, as you still have so much to learn about each other (such as ‘would make a decent human decoy?'). Savour this time, as the aphrodisiac of terror may not last forever.
  • Always save one bullet- when the pandemonium is crescendoing on your front lawn, don’t feel like you have to be a hero. Heroes get eaten alive.


  • Eat decent food- a bag of puffed hydrogenated corn product is not going to give you the oomph you need to outlast the terror. Veggies good, cheese puffs bad.
  • Curiosity kills cats, people- that sound behind the basement door? Sure, it may sound like the toddler, but should you really take that chance? If they are still making noise after a week, it is probably not the toddler.
  • Avoid air travel - and not just because someone infected could be on the plane. Economics states that when demand goes up, so does the price. If some airlines are stupid enough to start charging for checked luggage, I’m sure they will put on a zombie hazard fee too.
  • Stay calm - giving people a reason to throw you to the forever-hungry masses is bad survival strategy. Hysterics are bad enough in times of peace, so don’t get carried away with the drama when it matters most.
  • Assume the s*** has hit the fan - no one likes to be the pessimist. However, when you’ve seen flesh torn off the bone like barbecued prime rib, this is not the time to be saying “this isn’t happening.” Yes. Yes, it is happening. Get over it.

Yes, even children can be infected - aim for thehead